Kisses?

10:16amRoxanne
Hey today is our one month anniversary :)

10:17amZach
Yea, I know, right. Happy ONE MONTH BABE!
: )

10:17amRoxanne
You too! :) And here's wishing for many more months together with you

10:18amZach
Let's hope so! ! ! !
Hey, i am going to get back to the studying. I am wasting time, and I can't afford to do that.
I love you!

10:19amRoxanne
Okay I understand. I love you too babe :) Have a great day!

10:19amZach
you 2! BYE
Hugs and kisses!

10:19amRoxanne
Bye
Kisses hmm?

10:20amZach
haha.
We will give that another month
LOL

10:20amRoxanne
I think that might be impossible since we'll both be on project...but thats okay ^^

10:21amZach
ummm duhhhhh!!!!! we can send them via air mail. Come on, why don't you get caught up with the amazing technology these days.
HAHA
I wuv you

10:21amRoxanne
Haha, oh yeah, I guess you'll have to introduce me to that. :)

10:22amZach
K

10:22amRoxanne
WUUUUUV YOU. Go study now :)

10:22amZach
k bye

10:22amRoxanne
Byeeee

Do I have the best boyfriend or what? He's so sweet. He kissed me very lightly on my forehead last night when he hurt me on accident, but it was so light you could barely tell it was a kiss. I'm just so happy.

God you have blessed me beyond anything I think I deserve. Thank you God for putting Zach in my life. I pray you will continue to bless our relationship even though we are leaving soon. I pray for many more months with Zach, but above all else, I pray for your guidance in our lives. We want to continue to grow closer to you God in our relationship, not apart from you.

I am so blessed beyond belief! March 31 at around 10:30 p.m. Zach told me he liked me. I knew he did, but I didn't think anything would happen, or if it did, I didn't think anything would happen before summer. As it turned out, things did happen faster than I expected. Not that I'm complaining. Neither of us was looking for a boyfriend or girlfriend, it was all God's doing in bringing us together and I'm so glad he did. However, I can't help but feel insecure and not worthy cometimes. What have I done to deserve this? Old insecurities I used to have creep back into my life occasionally. "Fat" and "Ugly and "Mean" are the most common words that creep into my head. Obviously, Zach doesn't think that, but that's how I feel sometimes. He knows so many people on campus. He's cute and popular. I wonder why he chose me. I don't see anything special about me. When I start doubting, I pray for God to check my heart. Make my intentions pure and remember that I am a princess and I deserve a happy ending because my Father is the King of the Universe!

You want to know something great? I had to go to a speaker for ASL and at the end I won a $30 gift certificate to Texas Roadhouse, dinner for two. Me and Zach are SO going on a date! Haha, God has blessed me so much within the past 2 weeks. You want to know more good news? My mom offered to pay at least half my cost to summer project!!!! This is SUCH a huge blessing because I really was worried about it. So praise God for that!

The other day I went to Wally World with Zach. On the way back, we started talking about our futures together. That may be thinking WAY ahead, we've only been dating for two weeks, and surprisingly enough I wasn't scared to talk about the future. We talked about our jobs going well together, kids, and my family already loving him. He leaned on my shoulder and asked "Is this true love?" in a high pitched voice. I just smiled and said "I don't know, maybe. Only time will tell." That's how this conversation started. Everything seemed so natural I'm not worried about it. God is in charge of our relationship. He brought us together and he can take us apart whenever if ever he decides to. We continually give up that part of our lives and our main goal is to serve God through our relationship. I'm excited to see what God has in store for our futures, together or not.

Even though we've only been going out for 2 weeks, I already think he's getting serious about me. That's obvious in our previous converstation. Not serious in the physical way. We only hug and hold halds. We're taking it slow in that aspect. It took him 3 days after we got together for him to even hold my hand. Alex thought that was too soon, but I don't think so. We haven't kissed yet. Just last night he said "We haven't kissed yet, but I don't think we need to for a while now" and I agreed. Afterall, I told him when we first started going out I wanted to go slow, and he has respected that. Things are going to change soon, I know it. He wants to kiss me. I can tell by the way he looks at me or when he cradles my face in his hand. I unintentionaly turned away once when I thought he was going to kiss me. Now I know he wasn't going to, but he acted like he wanted to. He's done that several times, but now with 3 days left together and all this studying I don't think that's going to happen now. and I'm okay with that.

Just know that I have the absolute cutest boyfriend and I am extremely happy and so wonderfully blessed.

A simple text...

"Zach: Do u want 2 grab lunch around 1 today?

Me: Yeah sounds great. Where at?

Zach: Atrium

Me: Okay! Meet u by the stairs i guess! :) Have a good day

Zach: K can't wait."

You would think that knowing someone is interested in me would make things a lot easier, for me especially. WRONG!

Now you could take the previous invitation a couple ways: friends, or a deeper meaning than that. I took it as friends who are open to the idea of something more. I think that's best. All in all, I want to be his friend, but I can definitely see us going somewhere when he's ready for a realationship. I think that's the only reason we're taking it as slow as we are right now. That and I have guarded my heart closely. I don't want to give him too much of my feelings and then end up getting hurt. I really don't think Zach would do that to me, but it's always in the back of my mind. I'm not ready to give him that yet.

I think he might be mad at his roommate for being so desperate for a girl right now and he's flirting with anyone he can, especially me and Kim. I can't imagine what Zach might be feeling. If some other gil was to try and pursue him, I would probably get jealous and back off a little. I don''t want him to back off though. I haven't had a 'real' relationship before so I don't know how to let him know how I feel. I show him in my actions more than words which I guess is enough for right now.

Lately, I've just been giving it to God...every day. I almost feel silly by having to keep surrendering this all the time. But in fact it helps me a lot. Whenever I am anxious, I just give it to God. I know He will give me my future husband in His own time, not in my time as hard as that is for me to accept sometimes.

In other news, our bible studies are getting together next week to speak on relationships. How fitting! I mean really... I'm excited about it. All in God's timing Roxanne.

Happy Easter!

Whenever I am upset...remember this day
It started out rough, and ended so sweet. Once I turned to God, things turned 180 for me. DON'T EVER DOUBT!

Thank you God for hearing my prayer! I just read today "Anything you ask, I will give you" And so I asked him about me and zachs frienship and boy did he deliver. We hung out tonight...just the two of us...playes guitar hero, watches sports, ate pizza rolls, and to top it all off, he asked to pray with me before he left.

I'm captivated by this man who loves God so much. He inspires me really. I told myself I wasn't going to put any emotion into him because I'm afraid to get my heart broken. However, that has to be the sweetest thing a guy has EVER done for me...ever. I'm so happy right now.

However, I want to keep my eyes on God. In the midst of me liking Zach, God loves me so much more and wants my devotion, and that He'll get! Now more than ever I need to turn to God for help instead of my friends. Lord help me turn to you first before Kim or Alex. You are my rock and my salvation Lord. Thank you for giving your Son for our sins. I can't thank you enough! THANK YOU! Praise you Lord that my Jesus has conquered Satan and is coming back again for me someday. I look forward to that day very much! Until that day I ask you Lord to just prepare my heart, mind, and body for what is to come. I am on a spiritual high and I know Satan will work to take me down. Lord let me keep my eyes on you. I love you oh Lord.

"Whisper words of Wisdom, let it be"

Okay...so....MAYBE....

Last night Megan went up to Kim and asked "Hey how are you and Roxanne dealing with the whole Aaron and Zach situation? That must be tough." Apparently...Aaron has been talking about us...a lot...and Zach too. Either that or Zach talked to them too. Megan seemed to know what was going on so I trust her. She's not one to spread gossip either. She said "Obviously Zach likes Roxanne and Aaron likes you, how are you dealing with it?" When she told me this I flat out denied the accusation (not the right word here) that Zach liked me. Instinct maybe? I don't know, I don't feel attractive and I don't feel different than his other friends so obviously I said no. But she pointed some things out to me that I didn't really think about...like how he went out and bought us that Across the Universe CD, and talked to me all Spring Break when she didn't hear a word from him. I don't know, I still denied it regardless.

So I went to dinner together today in a huge group. It was fun. Most of the people were from my bible study. Anyway....Zach was there. Things happened, I need to tell you what happened, my invisible friend. I don't know if I trust anyone else with the details. So we walked together, he kept going back and forth between me and other people, which I didn't mind. He just did little things to let me know that he was looking or thinking about me like poking me or looking at me. I sat down at the end of the table because there was a lot of room. Rusty sat on my left and there was no chairs to my right. Zach stopped by me, looked around, even though there were chairs at the end of the table, he pulled up a chair and sat next to me. I don't know about you, but that really made me wonder. Then he took pictures of everyone at the table and two of me. One was really really bad because I was laughing because he was tickling me. And he said it was good. I tried to steal it and delete it, but he wouldn't let me. He's meeting us later tonight for Cru too to walk with our bible study. He never walks with us, so I thought that was kind of odd. I had to leave early from dinner because I had class. I saw Kim on my way out and stopped to talk to her. I happened to glance back at the table and Zach was looking at me if not for the moment I glanced back. I sent her a text later saying she might have been right about Zach when she said he liked me. I just started to see it tonight.

I could be overreacting to this all, and I think I am looking into it and making more than it really is, but we'll see. Just some thoughts to ponder.

I hope Cru goes well tonight. I'm excited. This is my first Easter away from home, it should be good stuff :)

This is my story...

This is Mike’s story. I was attracted to him, and now I’m not so sure. We only talked once over break. The majority of our conversation though is about my roommate which is not something I like. He reminds me of Ryan in that aspect. I’m annoyed. I feel like I’m being used by Ryan to get information about Kim since they aren’t talking anymore. In the same way, Mike likes to gossip and when I’m around him I gossip too, and I don’t like that aspect of me. However, we always have so much fun together when we DO see each other, and I love our conversations about God. I will continue to be his friend, but I don’t know if I am attracted to him anymore. I think I’m beginning to see that we can be just good friends. The good thing about him is I know he’ll still be there for me if I ever I need to talk to something. I haven’t known him that long, but he seems like he’d be loyal like that.

This is Daniel’s story. I met him on a facebook group he created about the Family Force 5 concert November 4 in Columbus Ohio. I saw him there, but he didn’t see me. Since then we’ve been talking online and continued to grow and have a closer friendship. I talk to him on facebook a lot and AIM occasionally. He wants to go with a group of friends together to Cedar Point. I said that would be a great idea because Nicole lives 30 minutes away from Cedar Point and it would be fun to finally meet Daniel in person without being pressured into anything. He reminds me so much of Kim. If he lived closer I would really want to date him. He reminds me so much of Todd actually….no joke. And Mike reminds me of Doug. Who’s next?

This is Zach’s story. I met him on a group too on facebook for the first time. Then I realized that he lived in my dorm. We hung out on game night and since then have been talking a lot, a lot of it has been about summer project and God. When I first saw him at game night, I had a feeling that Todd had when he first saw Christy. I felt something and almost like God telling me “Roxanne…this is your gift from me.” I’ve never told anyone that…I told people I thought he was different when I met him, but never in those words, it’s true though. I don’t want to admit those feelings because it’s hard for me to have faith that such a thing can happen to me. I definitely don’t have the faith that Todd did in the Christy Miller series. But I’m growing so much since I’ve been to BSU. And I pray about him and us every night. He’s such a great guy and I want to continue to get to know him. I need to be careful though. Zach has a lot of friends who are girls and he hangs out with them all the time. Which is fine, but I can get really jealous at times, which is one thing I hate about myself. Also, this boy has confided in me that since the sixth grade he has had to struggle with homosexuality. Luckily he’s never acted on any of those feelings, and he’s come to the Lord fairly late in his life. He also said to me that now he’s starting to notice girls more than he used to, which is good, but he also doesn’t want that to escalade to lust for girls because that’s not good either. I have such mixed feelings about all this. So I know this is going to sound really giddy and girly, but last night I gave him a high five and he pulled me down for a hug, which I didn’t mind. We were also clapping together and then he grabbed my hand and we wrestled back and forth for a long time and swung our hands together, he didn’t let me go. I don’t know if that was him just goofing off or not. The truth is I didn’t mind a bit. I like it when we hold hands. Probably a little bit too much, so I need to be careful with myself. All in all, he is a wonderful guy I need to get to know better and be careful with.

This is MY story. It is unfinished. God has blessed me with three wonderful guy friends in my life who all love the Lord a lot. I don’t want to settle anything with any of them at this point in my life, and I don’t want to try to pursue them if that’s not God’s plan. I’m content with where I am right now. True I have crushes on all three of them, but I’d like to just be friends with all of them and trust that God will point me in the right direction IF one of them was the one for me. Trust in God and fall completely on Him, but not to be totally oblivious to what’s going on in front of me. Sounds easy? It’s not going to be. Satan can trick me and obscure my view. I’ll try to keep my eyes on God. Open my heart Lord because you know what my future holds.

I am a baby

I have come to the realization this week that I have been whiny and selfish and acted like a baby for the longest time. I'm so sorry! I'm sorry to all my friends I've affected by this, and I'm sorry to God for not looking at the big picture and seeing how He is using me through this instead of turning it all back to myself.

Last semester, I was upset because of Nate...really stupid. I had a slight crush on him, and I was just emotional not so much about him but at the fact that I STILL don't have a boyfriend. Then the whole Ryan/Kim thing happened. Again...I was jealous. Then Kim/Mike. Nothing happened, but again I was jealous because he liked her. I start thinking "What's wrong with me that guys don't like me?" I know what that is, and that's physical attraction. Kim is a super sweet girl and to top it off she's nice looking too. I'm so jealous of her. And now she likes Logan...and Logan likes her. Doesn't suprise me, but I got jealous...again.

God doesn't want me in a relationship right now, and I think He's made that very clear to me. I'm not ready for it. I fall for guys too easily, which is why I think maybe it's a good thing I'm not as physically attractive as her, or else I might be going from guy to guy like her (no offense)

I really like Mike....and I really like Zach. The two most Godly men I know right now. If Kim had liked Zach I think that would have been the last straw for me. Guys like Mike and Zach are what keep me going and make me realize that there ARE a bunch of great Godly men out there, and one of them is for me. I just have to be patient.

I'm sorry for being so whiny all the time, but right now I really would like a relationship with someone. But I don't want to waste my feelings on someone that won't be there for me in 10 years...I want THE one. I'm doubtful that will happen, but that's what I'm looking for, and that's what I'm holding out for. In the meantime God I just ask that you help me control my jealousy. My first instinct when I first got jealous over logan is to go and run and tell somebody. People don't need to know this. That's gossiping. People don't need to know everything I'm feeling either. I feel clingy then. All I did was ask Zach to pray for me because I've been going through some hard times. At the moment I feel closer to him than Mike, and that's sad, but the truth.

I don't know if any of this makes sense, but I am going to try not to be so whiny about how bad my life is....because I don't have a bad life. I just don't have the life I want. I pray that God will help me be content with the life I have or else I'll miss out on a lot of things.

I've found a rl Doug

I need to write, I'm so confused!

So last time I wrote, I may or may not have talked about a letter to my future husband that I wrote. Well soon after I wrote that I met Mike. He was the '3-2-1 guy' on blank slate, a gameshow Kim and Sara got on. We saw him a lot that night. It didn't suprise me. Kim draws guys in, I'm so used to it by now. He was just like all the other guys who fall for Kim....or so I thought.

She had lunch with Mike one night while still getting closer and closer to Ryan. I guess after Mike got to know her, he didn't like her that way anymore. Instead, he took the role of protective brother when it came to her and Ryan. It wasn't because he wanted to get with her, it was because he wants to help her. And I believe him. For good reasons too. Ryan has proven just at Late Nite last Saturday that he's not that great of a guy. Just in that one night he was controlling, clingy, and too touch-feely for the two of them to NOT be in a relationship. Mike didn't like that, and neither did her brother who happened to be there. I didn't like it myself. It was just awkward. Ryan kept pulling her away from the group even though she kept telling him no, he didn't listen. So that left me alone with Mike and Jake (her brother) a lot.

So, when Mike walked me back to my dorm he really surprised me. I mean....really. We talked first of all about how awkward tonight was. I agreed. He talked about how a man should treat a woman, and he was dissapointed that Ryan wasn't doing that and he feels that he is two timing her because Mike has seen Ryan do this before with other Revo girls. He still talks/flirts with other girls. Kim knows about it, but for some reason she doesn't really care. Mike told Kim about all this (with more details of course) and Kim told Ryan, who over-reacted and acted like a complete baby and was a huge jerk about it to her. She didn't get to say anything she wanted to say about him being controlling over her. She probably never will.

My actual point is that I had no idea Mike was so insightful. He knows sooo much about women through others experiences and just talking to them. He's seen the way his brothers relationships work out and he wasn't exactly happy about them. Mike knows how to treat a woman, yet he's never had a girl-friend. He told me he's very picky with girls, and he told Kim it wasn't because he hasn't had the opportunity to have a girlfriend, it was because he wasn't ready spiritually for a relationship. He's kind of lonely at times, and I completely understand. I've gone without a boyfriend for 3 or 4 years now and I understand how it can be lonely. That guy is so pure in every way. Doug said a woman's love for God is the most attractive thing on a woman. The same goes for men. I just don't know if our relationship will be like Doug and Christy's or Todd and Christy's. Or a medium, because those aren't my only two options. I do find that extremely attractive, and I still want to be around him a lot, but I'm distancing myself from him a little bit. I think I want to be around him just a little bit too much, so I'm letting him take the lead if he wants. Even if we would possibly start dating, I would feel so inadequate compared to him. He has really high standards, and I don't know if I could live up to those. I would hate to be his first girlfriend, and be a mistake he regretted. I don't want that. It's almost like I found Doug! lol

Keep in mind I've known this guy for less than a week and a half so far, and I already know a lot about him. But I've prayed about him a lot lately. It was weird because he texted me right after I prayed for us. I guess all I can/want to do now is just get to know him more. I give the rest to God, and I know Mike has too.

So I'm sitting in the study lounge with Kim, Alex, Amanda C., and her boyfriend. I've been through a lot this week and needed to write down some things.

My Great Grandma passed away last Thursday. I knew she was going to go soon and to be honest I wasn't really that upset by it. I cried though bc she doesn't remember me. Last time I went over there, my mom had to reintroduce me to my grandma again. That hurt me a lot at the time, so I haven't seen her since then. My Dad's mom is showing early signs of Alzheimer's Disease and I'm scared that she won't remember me either. She is so much closer to me than my other grandmas. I think Cookie Grandma's death really made me realize how precious the time is with my remaining two grandmas. They're all I have left.

Then everything seemed to happen at once in school. Midterms, tests, projects. I'm so stressed about everything! But I went to Late Nite with my friends anyway on Saturday. I'm not complaining, I had a really good time, but in the back of my head I know how much stuff I have to get done. Then after Late Nite I was invited by Kim to come to Ryan's with her. I was hesitant. I really liked Ryan and so I'm still trying to get used to the fact that he doesn't like me. My overbearing jealousy that guys "flock to her" is what I call it. Why is it that they flock to her? What's wrong with me? Those are questions that have been plauging me for a while. I try to look nice, be friendly to everyone. I've been so obsessed at what Kim has I'm losing my focus on what God has for me. He doesn't need two Kims. He needs a Kim and a Roxanne. I just need to be me, who God wants me to be. He created me to be uniquely me and that's all I can ask for and should be satisfied with it. But I'm not. I struggle with it everyday, trying to be my own person and liking who God made me. I just think Kim's life would be so much easier than mine. It's probably not, but that's how I feel.

I got a little off topic there. Anyway, Kim asked me to come over to Ryans and I said I don't know as I have the past 5 times she's invited me over there. I was still trying to work through my feelings. I asked her if she wanted me to come and got really offended that I thought it was up to her if I came. She said Ryan invited me it shouldn't matter what she thinks. I was quiet bc I didn't want to say something I'd regret later. But she just kept going saying how that she is so sick everytime she brings up Ryan I get defensive and emotional. That maybe so, but I told her the only reason I asked was bc I wanted to know if she wanted time alone with Ryan or not and if I was going to be in the way, that's the only reason I asked. Then she said "Oh I didn't take it that way." And I said "I know" We never really resolved that but I decided I was going to have a good time there anyway, and I did. We played scattagories, which was fun, and whenever he would touch her I would just look away and talk to some of the other guys.

I don't know why it still bothers me. If I looked at my guy friends as brothers in Christ instead of possible dating opportunities I think things would be a lot better. That's what I need to start doing. It's hard. But it's like when Nicole looks at a guy and goes "aw he's cute" I think 'Why are you so focused on their looks? They're probably jerks' The only reason I say that is because she says it all the time about almost all the guys I know. I'm getting better at that. Last night when I met someone at Late Nite, I thought "I wonder if he knows Christ" And the next day I see him at church. Was that a God thing or what? I need to treat more of my guy friends like that. Not only will I be emotionally unattatched, but I'll be happier in general because I won't have that initial attatchment to them and think "what's wrong with me if they don't like me?"

Note to self: write a letter to all those who influence me spiritually, my brothers and sisters in christ, and thank them for all they've done. I also have a feeling to wite a letter to my future husband, whoever that may be.

My singleness

I haven't written in the past couple days, but lots of things have been happening.

I told Kim that I was okay with the whole "her and Ryan" situation, then I found out later that I still wasn't okay with it. I told her it was fine because I didn't want her to feel like she couldn't be herself around me. With her lst boyfriend she'd occasionally keep me up to date on how they were doing and cute stuff he did for her. I wanted to keep that friendship and that closeness with her. I live with her now and it would be unbarable if I made anything awkward between us because of my human feelings. I talked to Amanda Burhman about what I was going through and she helped a lot. She didn't tell me anything I didn't already know, it just felt good to confide in someone else for a change than Alex or Nicole. Amanda made me feel like my feelings were normal and it wasn't just me. I really love that girl.

Things are okay between me and Ryan too. We're not as close as we were obviously. I've backed off and he seems forgetful as always, moreso than usual, probably because of Kim. I haven't been over there since the night they made me cry, on accident of course. I don't hold them responsible for it. I just don't want to put myself in that situation where I might get hurt again. And I'm sure I would get hurt again if I went over there. It's too much too soon. I just need some time away from the two of them together. It's really a God-thing that Kim isn't here this weekend so I don't have to see the two of them together at church. This way I have more time to get over myself.

Last night I sinned bad. I think it was because of all the added emotional stress that I subconsciously thought this sin would make me feel a lot better and take this stress away.I thought I had control over this sin, and last night it took over me again. I sometimes think what is wrong with me for slipping AGAIN! I prayed hard last night and prayed hard this morning and cracked open my Bible the first time in a long time. It helped a lot, I looked up verses on backslidding and forgiveness and I prayed until I felt better. I knew God had forgiven me even if I didn't feel like it at the time because I was consumed with guilt.

I started reading a book called "I kissed dating goodbye" It really did help me a lot, but I'm not into those types of books. I read about the first 50 or 60 pages before I went back to the college years. I get a lot more out of a novel than a 'lecture book.'

I'm asking God to please help me keep my pure heart and mind and to honestly get over my left over feelings I have toward Ryan. I can't see the big picture, but I know God has a plan for me, bigger and better than I can ever imagine. But for right now, his plan for me is singleness. I can find plenty of joy in singleness and I'm happy to search, enjoy, and be a servant to him in this stage of my life right now. Please God show me your will through my singleness. What can I do to serve you through singleness?

Jealousy

These are the quotes from the book I was talking about in my previous blog. These SO apply to my life right now and is such a God-thing that I was reading this at the exact same time I was going through this. (I'm Katie if you couldn't tell)

Jealousy

"Katie, do you want to talk some more about what you were saying before that guy came and interrupted us?”
“I don’t know. Sometimes I make too big of a thing out of nothing. We can drop it. It doesn’t matter.”
“I think it matters because it’s been bothering you, and if you stuff it away, it might come back and bother you again before the trip is over. I’d like to talk it through now, if we could.”
“It’s dumb. I know it is. I get my eyes off the Lord and my perspective goes crazy. I told you guys I was jealous, and I am. But I know that’s wrong. I know God says we’re not supposed to envy what someone else has. The thing is, I don’t know what to do with my feelings. I try to ignore them, but then they overwhelm me.”
“Pray,” Todd suggested immediately.
Katie sighed and looked down at her half-empty cup of coffee. “Yeah, pray. That’s what I should do. I don’t know why I don’t. I get tired of confessing the same thing over and over. But whenever I do talk it through with God, I always feel better.”
“And he always forgives us no matter how many times we come to Him,” Todd said. “I think it helps to find out what triggers those weak areas, and recognize the warning signs before you get blindsided.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, what triggers the jealousy?”
Katie paused a moment before saying, “I see somebody with something I wish I had, and I start to compare myself. Then I get jealous.”
“We all do that,” Christy said.
“That doesn’t make it right,” Katie said.
“I know,” Christy agreed.
“One thing that helps me is when I see the cycle beginning I can almost stop the sin in midair before it hits me,” Todd said. “Like the comparing part. I memorized a couple of verses that relate. Whenever I start to compare myself with somebody else, I repeat those verses and get my heart back on track with God.”
“Then you better teach me those verses, quick!” Katie said, “Because I have a horrible problem of comparing myself with other people.”
“One is real short. It’s in Isaiah 45:9. It just says, ‘Does the clay say to the potter, “What are you making?” ‘ The other verses are in the same book, Isaiah, in chapter 64, verses 6 and 8. The first time I read this it put me in my place, if you know what I mean.”
“Yes I think I probably know what you mean,” Katie said. “What are the verses?”
“‘All of us have become like one who is unclean, and all our righteous acts are like filthy rags; we all shrivel up like a leaf, and like the wind our sins sweep us away. Yet, O Lord, you are our Father. We are the clay, you are the potter; we are all the work of your hand.’ “
“Let me see if I caught the same meaning here that you did,” Katie said. “When you start to compare yourself with someone else, you think of those verses and how all of us are basically the same before God. Like the clay.”
Christy jumped in and said, “And God is the artist. The craftsman. He’s making something out of us, the clay. We’re not supposed to say to Him, ‘Why did you make me like this?’ or ‘Why can’t you make me like her?’ “
Todd nodded. “Exactly. Each person’s life is a different work of art. God’s design for me is different than what He has planned for you.”
“Does that really work for you?” Katie asked.
He nodded again. “I find it hard to be jealous when I realize God is the one in control, not me. If He chooses to bless someone more than me, who am I to tell Him what He’s doing isn’t fair? Do I ever say it’s not fair when someone is going through a tough time? Do I tell God it’s not fair because He hasn’t given me as many difficulties as the other person?”
“You better write those verses down for me, Todd. This is a huge area in my life. I think I have it figured out, and then it comes back stronger.”
Until Tomorrow -Pg 153-155
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“Once again,” Katie said, “I, your ever faithful friend, stand by and watch guys drool over you while I mysteriously become invisible.”
“Like you were really interested in that guy, Katie,” Christy tried to take a sip of her tea, but it was too hot.
“I would have gone to the dance club with him,” Katie said.
“Yeah right,” Christy said.
“I think guys like that are intrigued by you because you get all shy around them. And it’s not an act. I know that. You start blushing, pull back, and look away. It’s all very natural for you. I think they see it as a challenge and try to get you to open up. I, on the other hand, am an open book. And obviously not a bestseller.”
“Katie, you’re perfect just the way you are. One day a guy will come into your life who will be so stunned that you are you. He’ll also be glad you didn’t go to dance clubs with guys in leather jackets named after cold green rocks.”
Katie smiled. “You better keep reminding me of that, Chris. The longer I wait for my handsome prince, the better those green rock-heads look to me.”
Until Tomorrow –Pg 186-187

I'm everyones buddy and nobody's hunny

Here's my story. My roommate found a wonderful church on campus for us to go to. I absolutely love it. So much so that I wanted to get involved more. So I filled out one of those cards about house churches and someone got back to me. My schedule is already pretty full so I went to one on Wednesday night even though I had a TON of homework to get done. So I went with my friend Nicole and it was supposed to be a type of Bible Study. I thought that was cool, but they didn't actually do anything that night since it was the first night back. We introduced ourselves and talked about LT (leadership training).

After house church I talked to this guy who was there about Guitar Hero. Keep in mind that I JUST met him. He said we should get together and play sometime. I said sure because I didn't really think it was going to happen. Later Nicole told me that she thought he was interested in me. I blushed and denied it of course. It's been more than 2 years since my last relationship. What do I know about guys? I have to admit it kind of made me feel good about myself though. To think of the possibility of someone being interested in me was flattering. I had recently lost some weight and finally felt pretty again. Outside I denied it, but inside I really was happy. The same night he added me as a facebook friend and a few days later had my phone number and was making plans for me to come over. I was really scared to go over to a strangers house I barely even knew to play guitar hero, but I ended up going anyway and had a good time with him and his roommates.

So we kept in touch and I went over to his house a couple more times for movie night. I ended up quitting house church because my schedule was too busy, so the only time I saw Ryan was when I was at his house or when we saw each other at church. If there's one thing I learned quickly about Ryan is that he is a social nerd. That was my excuse I told everyone why I didn't like him, that I'm pretty sure he acted that way around his other girl friends. He didn't treat me any differently.

Then he finally met my rommate and friends at church: Kim, Alex, Nicole and Aaron. He said we should all come over and play smash brothers sometime. Kim knew what it was, but I didn't. She said it was good and that's all that mattered. Besides, now I'd finally have someone to go over to Ryan's house with which I was excited about. Kim and Ryan became friends on facebook and he got her number too. I was kind of jealous that their friendship seemed to be moving so much faster than mine had with Ryan. I just pushed it aside really and thought it must have been because they both have a mutual friend (ME!) So the night we went over we weren't playing Smash Brothers. Instead, we watched Across the Universe. I felt more comfortable at Ryan's house with Kim and was able to be more myself, hoping Ryan would like seeing the real me. But he didn't have time. Me Ryan and Kim were on a couch with Kim in the middle. During the whole movie I noticed he kept looking over at her and tickling her. It wasn't that hard to see really. She freaked everytime he touched her. That's when I was hit with a buttload of jealously toward them because they were totally flirting. There was 10 other people in the room, but it just seemed to be the two of them. I could tell he liked her. Inside it crushed me. Outside I teased her about it, and she denied it just the same as I had.

The next day I was reading a book and one of the characters was feeling exactly what I was feeling! It was such a god-thing to hear it through someone elses words. She said she was jealous because she really wanted a boyfriend and it hurt her to see her two best friends together even though she didn't like Todd. There was still that jealousy that her friend has something special she doesn't. I felt that way toward Kim. She's so pretty and ALWAYS has a boyfriend. She said she was giving it a rest, but here it is February after she broke up with her old boyfriend in January and she's already interested in someone else. Not to mention someone that I was interested in. It made me mad. Why does she get all the boyfriends? I feel like I'm a stronger Christian, why does she get all these guys fawning over her? What's wrong with me that I don't have that? The characters in the book gave her some verses to look up about comparing God to a potter and us to clay. The clay doesn't say to the potter "What are you doing?" He has a special plan for me, a different plan than He has for Kim, and I that's why I shouldn't compare myself to her. I wasn't created to live her life, I was created to live my own. I shared that with Nicole and Kim because it made me feel so much better. (And yes, Kim knew I was jealous of her earlier, but what is she gunna do about it?)

That night he invited us over again. Nobody else except kim me and his roommate to play smash brothers and watch another movie. They sat close on the couch again and once the movie started, he started tickling her again. It was very uncomfortable for me so I went to the other couch much to the dislike of everyone else. It was hurting me so much to see them like that. Besides, the other couch was more comfortable. After much beckoning I finally came back to the couch. He still tickled her, and I heard him whispering to her and saw him put his arm on her leg. Apparently (I heard from kim later) Ryan kept pulling her arm through his under the blanket and pulled her back right before we left hoping for a kiss or something. Good thing I didn't see it. I was already consumed with jealousy it was literally making my stomach turn. I kept repeating "You are the potter, I am the clay" to myself and prayed very hard for God to give me peace about it. I felt better for a while, but the more it went on, the harder it got to the point that when I got back to the dorm I excused myself to the bathroom so I could cry.

On the way back he invited us over AGAIN the next night for some really nerdy things. I said I'd let him know. When I got back Kim told me all these things I didn't know. She told me he was telling her what beautiful eyes she had and kept looking at her during the movie. She wasn't exactly pushing him away either. When I asked her what she thought of him she said she was interested but wants to get to know him more. And there is always that thing about her parents. They aren't going to be happy to hear their 18 year old is interested in a 22 year old.

I couldn't take it anymore. I took my computer and ran to the Lounge where I have been sitting for the past hour writing this. The reason why it's taken me so long is because it accidently signed me into MSN where I quickly hit the *appear offline* button because both kim and ryan were on. Kim messaged me even though I didn't appear on her list anymore. I knew I couldn't ignore her. She asked if I was okay, I told her yes but I didn't want to talk about it right now. Then Ryan messaged me. I know Kim must have said something to him because he threatened to call me and sing the police song to me. So I answered. He was worried too. I told him we were still friends and I wasn't angry at him, I just didn't want to talk about why I'm upset. I mean, come on, I'm not really going to tell a guy who likes my roommate that I used to like him and I'm so jealous that he can't notice me. That would be a little dramatic. Even though I didn't want to, we talked about movies, and actually still are talking about movies. He invited me over again tomorrow, but I told him I just didn't feel like it for reasons I can't explain.

Please pray for me. I am really struggling with this. No I'm not mad at Kim, even though I am extremely jealous that she has something that I really wanted. I need a hug and prayer. It's so hard to let go of Ryan because he wants to still be friends. I understand that, but it's easier for me to just disconnect with him completely, but he won't let that happen. This is going to be very difficult for me. It shouldn't be, because I had already come to the realization earlier that Ryan is not the man God has waiting for me. Still, I want the relationship, I want the closeness. I suppose it'll make it that much more special when I do meet that special someone, God's gift to me. So here I am, letting God mold me the way he wants. Well, maybe not the most willingly though. I need all the help I can get. Please.