I am a baby

I have come to the realization this week that I have been whiny and selfish and acted like a baby for the longest time. I'm so sorry! I'm sorry to all my friends I've affected by this, and I'm sorry to God for not looking at the big picture and seeing how He is using me through this instead of turning it all back to myself.

Last semester, I was upset because of Nate...really stupid. I had a slight crush on him, and I was just emotional not so much about him but at the fact that I STILL don't have a boyfriend. Then the whole Ryan/Kim thing happened. Again...I was jealous. Then Kim/Mike. Nothing happened, but again I was jealous because he liked her. I start thinking "What's wrong with me that guys don't like me?" I know what that is, and that's physical attraction. Kim is a super sweet girl and to top it off she's nice looking too. I'm so jealous of her. And now she likes Logan...and Logan likes her. Doesn't suprise me, but I got jealous...again.

God doesn't want me in a relationship right now, and I think He's made that very clear to me. I'm not ready for it. I fall for guys too easily, which is why I think maybe it's a good thing I'm not as physically attractive as her, or else I might be going from guy to guy like her (no offense)

I really like Mike....and I really like Zach. The two most Godly men I know right now. If Kim had liked Zach I think that would have been the last straw for me. Guys like Mike and Zach are what keep me going and make me realize that there ARE a bunch of great Godly men out there, and one of them is for me. I just have to be patient.

I'm sorry for being so whiny all the time, but right now I really would like a relationship with someone. But I don't want to waste my feelings on someone that won't be there for me in 10 years...I want THE one. I'm doubtful that will happen, but that's what I'm looking for, and that's what I'm holding out for. In the meantime God I just ask that you help me control my jealousy. My first instinct when I first got jealous over logan is to go and run and tell somebody. People don't need to know this. That's gossiping. People don't need to know everything I'm feeling either. I feel clingy then. All I did was ask Zach to pray for me because I've been going through some hard times. At the moment I feel closer to him than Mike, and that's sad, but the truth.

I don't know if any of this makes sense, but I am going to try not to be so whiny about how bad my life is....because I don't have a bad life. I just don't have the life I want. I pray that God will help me be content with the life I have or else I'll miss out on a lot of things.