A simple text...

"Zach: Do u want 2 grab lunch around 1 today?

Me: Yeah sounds great. Where at?

Zach: Atrium

Me: Okay! Meet u by the stairs i guess! :) Have a good day

Zach: K can't wait."

You would think that knowing someone is interested in me would make things a lot easier, for me especially. WRONG!

Now you could take the previous invitation a couple ways: friends, or a deeper meaning than that. I took it as friends who are open to the idea of something more. I think that's best. All in all, I want to be his friend, but I can definitely see us going somewhere when he's ready for a realationship. I think that's the only reason we're taking it as slow as we are right now. That and I have guarded my heart closely. I don't want to give him too much of my feelings and then end up getting hurt. I really don't think Zach would do that to me, but it's always in the back of my mind. I'm not ready to give him that yet.

I think he might be mad at his roommate for being so desperate for a girl right now and he's flirting with anyone he can, especially me and Kim. I can't imagine what Zach might be feeling. If some other gil was to try and pursue him, I would probably get jealous and back off a little. I don''t want him to back off though. I haven't had a 'real' relationship before so I don't know how to let him know how I feel. I show him in my actions more than words which I guess is enough for right now.

Lately, I've just been giving it to God...every day. I almost feel silly by having to keep surrendering this all the time. But in fact it helps me a lot. Whenever I am anxious, I just give it to God. I know He will give me my future husband in His own time, not in my time as hard as that is for me to accept sometimes.

In other news, our bible studies are getting together next week to speak on relationships. How fitting! I mean really... I'm excited about it. All in God's timing Roxanne.

Happy Easter!

Whenever I am upset...remember this day
It started out rough, and ended so sweet. Once I turned to God, things turned 180 for me. DON'T EVER DOUBT!

Thank you God for hearing my prayer! I just read today "Anything you ask, I will give you" And so I asked him about me and zachs frienship and boy did he deliver. We hung out tonight...just the two of us...playes guitar hero, watches sports, ate pizza rolls, and to top it all off, he asked to pray with me before he left.

I'm captivated by this man who loves God so much. He inspires me really. I told myself I wasn't going to put any emotion into him because I'm afraid to get my heart broken. However, that has to be the sweetest thing a guy has EVER done for me...ever. I'm so happy right now.

However, I want to keep my eyes on God. In the midst of me liking Zach, God loves me so much more and wants my devotion, and that He'll get! Now more than ever I need to turn to God for help instead of my friends. Lord help me turn to you first before Kim or Alex. You are my rock and my salvation Lord. Thank you for giving your Son for our sins. I can't thank you enough! THANK YOU! Praise you Lord that my Jesus has conquered Satan and is coming back again for me someday. I look forward to that day very much! Until that day I ask you Lord to just prepare my heart, mind, and body for what is to come. I am on a spiritual high and I know Satan will work to take me down. Lord let me keep my eyes on you. I love you oh Lord.

"Whisper words of Wisdom, let it be"

Okay...so....MAYBE....

Last night Megan went up to Kim and asked "Hey how are you and Roxanne dealing with the whole Aaron and Zach situation? That must be tough." Apparently...Aaron has been talking about us...a lot...and Zach too. Either that or Zach talked to them too. Megan seemed to know what was going on so I trust her. She's not one to spread gossip either. She said "Obviously Zach likes Roxanne and Aaron likes you, how are you dealing with it?" When she told me this I flat out denied the accusation (not the right word here) that Zach liked me. Instinct maybe? I don't know, I don't feel attractive and I don't feel different than his other friends so obviously I said no. But she pointed some things out to me that I didn't really think about...like how he went out and bought us that Across the Universe CD, and talked to me all Spring Break when she didn't hear a word from him. I don't know, I still denied it regardless.

So I went to dinner together today in a huge group. It was fun. Most of the people were from my bible study. Anyway....Zach was there. Things happened, I need to tell you what happened, my invisible friend. I don't know if I trust anyone else with the details. So we walked together, he kept going back and forth between me and other people, which I didn't mind. He just did little things to let me know that he was looking or thinking about me like poking me or looking at me. I sat down at the end of the table because there was a lot of room. Rusty sat on my left and there was no chairs to my right. Zach stopped by me, looked around, even though there were chairs at the end of the table, he pulled up a chair and sat next to me. I don't know about you, but that really made me wonder. Then he took pictures of everyone at the table and two of me. One was really really bad because I was laughing because he was tickling me. And he said it was good. I tried to steal it and delete it, but he wouldn't let me. He's meeting us later tonight for Cru too to walk with our bible study. He never walks with us, so I thought that was kind of odd. I had to leave early from dinner because I had class. I saw Kim on my way out and stopped to talk to her. I happened to glance back at the table and Zach was looking at me if not for the moment I glanced back. I sent her a text later saying she might have been right about Zach when she said he liked me. I just started to see it tonight.

I could be overreacting to this all, and I think I am looking into it and making more than it really is, but we'll see. Just some thoughts to ponder.

I hope Cru goes well tonight. I'm excited. This is my first Easter away from home, it should be good stuff :)

This is my story...

This is Mike’s story. I was attracted to him, and now I’m not so sure. We only talked once over break. The majority of our conversation though is about my roommate which is not something I like. He reminds me of Ryan in that aspect. I’m annoyed. I feel like I’m being used by Ryan to get information about Kim since they aren’t talking anymore. In the same way, Mike likes to gossip and when I’m around him I gossip too, and I don’t like that aspect of me. However, we always have so much fun together when we DO see each other, and I love our conversations about God. I will continue to be his friend, but I don’t know if I am attracted to him anymore. I think I’m beginning to see that we can be just good friends. The good thing about him is I know he’ll still be there for me if I ever I need to talk to something. I haven’t known him that long, but he seems like he’d be loyal like that.

This is Daniel’s story. I met him on a facebook group he created about the Family Force 5 concert November 4 in Columbus Ohio. I saw him there, but he didn’t see me. Since then we’ve been talking online and continued to grow and have a closer friendship. I talk to him on facebook a lot and AIM occasionally. He wants to go with a group of friends together to Cedar Point. I said that would be a great idea because Nicole lives 30 minutes away from Cedar Point and it would be fun to finally meet Daniel in person without being pressured into anything. He reminds me so much of Kim. If he lived closer I would really want to date him. He reminds me so much of Todd actually….no joke. And Mike reminds me of Doug. Who’s next?

This is Zach’s story. I met him on a group too on facebook for the first time. Then I realized that he lived in my dorm. We hung out on game night and since then have been talking a lot, a lot of it has been about summer project and God. When I first saw him at game night, I had a feeling that Todd had when he first saw Christy. I felt something and almost like God telling me “Roxanne…this is your gift from me.” I’ve never told anyone that…I told people I thought he was different when I met him, but never in those words, it’s true though. I don’t want to admit those feelings because it’s hard for me to have faith that such a thing can happen to me. I definitely don’t have the faith that Todd did in the Christy Miller series. But I’m growing so much since I’ve been to BSU. And I pray about him and us every night. He’s such a great guy and I want to continue to get to know him. I need to be careful though. Zach has a lot of friends who are girls and he hangs out with them all the time. Which is fine, but I can get really jealous at times, which is one thing I hate about myself. Also, this boy has confided in me that since the sixth grade he has had to struggle with homosexuality. Luckily he’s never acted on any of those feelings, and he’s come to the Lord fairly late in his life. He also said to me that now he’s starting to notice girls more than he used to, which is good, but he also doesn’t want that to escalade to lust for girls because that’s not good either. I have such mixed feelings about all this. So I know this is going to sound really giddy and girly, but last night I gave him a high five and he pulled me down for a hug, which I didn’t mind. We were also clapping together and then he grabbed my hand and we wrestled back and forth for a long time and swung our hands together, he didn’t let me go. I don’t know if that was him just goofing off or not. The truth is I didn’t mind a bit. I like it when we hold hands. Probably a little bit too much, so I need to be careful with myself. All in all, he is a wonderful guy I need to get to know better and be careful with.

This is MY story. It is unfinished. God has blessed me with three wonderful guy friends in my life who all love the Lord a lot. I don’t want to settle anything with any of them at this point in my life, and I don’t want to try to pursue them if that’s not God’s plan. I’m content with where I am right now. True I have crushes on all three of them, but I’d like to just be friends with all of them and trust that God will point me in the right direction IF one of them was the one for me. Trust in God and fall completely on Him, but not to be totally oblivious to what’s going on in front of me. Sounds easy? It’s not going to be. Satan can trick me and obscure my view. I’ll try to keep my eyes on God. Open my heart Lord because you know what my future holds.

I am a baby

I have come to the realization this week that I have been whiny and selfish and acted like a baby for the longest time. I'm so sorry! I'm sorry to all my friends I've affected by this, and I'm sorry to God for not looking at the big picture and seeing how He is using me through this instead of turning it all back to myself.

Last semester, I was upset because of Nate...really stupid. I had a slight crush on him, and I was just emotional not so much about him but at the fact that I STILL don't have a boyfriend. Then the whole Ryan/Kim thing happened. Again...I was jealous. Then Kim/Mike. Nothing happened, but again I was jealous because he liked her. I start thinking "What's wrong with me that guys don't like me?" I know what that is, and that's physical attraction. Kim is a super sweet girl and to top it off she's nice looking too. I'm so jealous of her. And now she likes Logan...and Logan likes her. Doesn't suprise me, but I got jealous...again.

God doesn't want me in a relationship right now, and I think He's made that very clear to me. I'm not ready for it. I fall for guys too easily, which is why I think maybe it's a good thing I'm not as physically attractive as her, or else I might be going from guy to guy like her (no offense)

I really like Mike....and I really like Zach. The two most Godly men I know right now. If Kim had liked Zach I think that would have been the last straw for me. Guys like Mike and Zach are what keep me going and make me realize that there ARE a bunch of great Godly men out there, and one of them is for me. I just have to be patient.

I'm sorry for being so whiny all the time, but right now I really would like a relationship with someone. But I don't want to waste my feelings on someone that won't be there for me in 10 years...I want THE one. I'm doubtful that will happen, but that's what I'm looking for, and that's what I'm holding out for. In the meantime God I just ask that you help me control my jealousy. My first instinct when I first got jealous over logan is to go and run and tell somebody. People don't need to know this. That's gossiping. People don't need to know everything I'm feeling either. I feel clingy then. All I did was ask Zach to pray for me because I've been going through some hard times. At the moment I feel closer to him than Mike, and that's sad, but the truth.

I don't know if any of this makes sense, but I am going to try not to be so whiny about how bad my life is....because I don't have a bad life. I just don't have the life I want. I pray that God will help me be content with the life I have or else I'll miss out on a lot of things.

I've found a rl Doug

I need to write, I'm so confused!

So last time I wrote, I may or may not have talked about a letter to my future husband that I wrote. Well soon after I wrote that I met Mike. He was the '3-2-1 guy' on blank slate, a gameshow Kim and Sara got on. We saw him a lot that night. It didn't suprise me. Kim draws guys in, I'm so used to it by now. He was just like all the other guys who fall for Kim....or so I thought.

She had lunch with Mike one night while still getting closer and closer to Ryan. I guess after Mike got to know her, he didn't like her that way anymore. Instead, he took the role of protective brother when it came to her and Ryan. It wasn't because he wanted to get with her, it was because he wants to help her. And I believe him. For good reasons too. Ryan has proven just at Late Nite last Saturday that he's not that great of a guy. Just in that one night he was controlling, clingy, and too touch-feely for the two of them to NOT be in a relationship. Mike didn't like that, and neither did her brother who happened to be there. I didn't like it myself. It was just awkward. Ryan kept pulling her away from the group even though she kept telling him no, he didn't listen. So that left me alone with Mike and Jake (her brother) a lot.

So, when Mike walked me back to my dorm he really surprised me. I mean....really. We talked first of all about how awkward tonight was. I agreed. He talked about how a man should treat a woman, and he was dissapointed that Ryan wasn't doing that and he feels that he is two timing her because Mike has seen Ryan do this before with other Revo girls. He still talks/flirts with other girls. Kim knows about it, but for some reason she doesn't really care. Mike told Kim about all this (with more details of course) and Kim told Ryan, who over-reacted and acted like a complete baby and was a huge jerk about it to her. She didn't get to say anything she wanted to say about him being controlling over her. She probably never will.

My actual point is that I had no idea Mike was so insightful. He knows sooo much about women through others experiences and just talking to them. He's seen the way his brothers relationships work out and he wasn't exactly happy about them. Mike knows how to treat a woman, yet he's never had a girl-friend. He told me he's very picky with girls, and he told Kim it wasn't because he hasn't had the opportunity to have a girlfriend, it was because he wasn't ready spiritually for a relationship. He's kind of lonely at times, and I completely understand. I've gone without a boyfriend for 3 or 4 years now and I understand how it can be lonely. That guy is so pure in every way. Doug said a woman's love for God is the most attractive thing on a woman. The same goes for men. I just don't know if our relationship will be like Doug and Christy's or Todd and Christy's. Or a medium, because those aren't my only two options. I do find that extremely attractive, and I still want to be around him a lot, but I'm distancing myself from him a little bit. I think I want to be around him just a little bit too much, so I'm letting him take the lead if he wants. Even if we would possibly start dating, I would feel so inadequate compared to him. He has really high standards, and I don't know if I could live up to those. I would hate to be his first girlfriend, and be a mistake he regretted. I don't want that. It's almost like I found Doug! lol

Keep in mind I've known this guy for less than a week and a half so far, and I already know a lot about him. But I've prayed about him a lot lately. It was weird because he texted me right after I prayed for us. I guess all I can/want to do now is just get to know him more. I give the rest to God, and I know Mike has too.