So I'm sitting in the study lounge with Kim, Alex, Amanda C., and her boyfriend. I've been through a lot this week and needed to write down some things.

My Great Grandma passed away last Thursday. I knew she was going to go soon and to be honest I wasn't really that upset by it. I cried though bc she doesn't remember me. Last time I went over there, my mom had to reintroduce me to my grandma again. That hurt me a lot at the time, so I haven't seen her since then. My Dad's mom is showing early signs of Alzheimer's Disease and I'm scared that she won't remember me either. She is so much closer to me than my other grandmas. I think Cookie Grandma's death really made me realize how precious the time is with my remaining two grandmas. They're all I have left.

Then everything seemed to happen at once in school. Midterms, tests, projects. I'm so stressed about everything! But I went to Late Nite with my friends anyway on Saturday. I'm not complaining, I had a really good time, but in the back of my head I know how much stuff I have to get done. Then after Late Nite I was invited by Kim to come to Ryan's with her. I was hesitant. I really liked Ryan and so I'm still trying to get used to the fact that he doesn't like me. My overbearing jealousy that guys "flock to her" is what I call it. Why is it that they flock to her? What's wrong with me? Those are questions that have been plauging me for a while. I try to look nice, be friendly to everyone. I've been so obsessed at what Kim has I'm losing my focus on what God has for me. He doesn't need two Kims. He needs a Kim and a Roxanne. I just need to be me, who God wants me to be. He created me to be uniquely me and that's all I can ask for and should be satisfied with it. But I'm not. I struggle with it everyday, trying to be my own person and liking who God made me. I just think Kim's life would be so much easier than mine. It's probably not, but that's how I feel.

I got a little off topic there. Anyway, Kim asked me to come over to Ryans and I said I don't know as I have the past 5 times she's invited me over there. I was still trying to work through my feelings. I asked her if she wanted me to come and got really offended that I thought it was up to her if I came. She said Ryan invited me it shouldn't matter what she thinks. I was quiet bc I didn't want to say something I'd regret later. But she just kept going saying how that she is so sick everytime she brings up Ryan I get defensive and emotional. That maybe so, but I told her the only reason I asked was bc I wanted to know if she wanted time alone with Ryan or not and if I was going to be in the way, that's the only reason I asked. Then she said "Oh I didn't take it that way." And I said "I know" We never really resolved that but I decided I was going to have a good time there anyway, and I did. We played scattagories, which was fun, and whenever he would touch her I would just look away and talk to some of the other guys.

I don't know why it still bothers me. If I looked at my guy friends as brothers in Christ instead of possible dating opportunities I think things would be a lot better. That's what I need to start doing. It's hard. But it's like when Nicole looks at a guy and goes "aw he's cute" I think 'Why are you so focused on their looks? They're probably jerks' The only reason I say that is because she says it all the time about almost all the guys I know. I'm getting better at that. Last night when I met someone at Late Nite, I thought "I wonder if he knows Christ" And the next day I see him at church. Was that a God thing or what? I need to treat more of my guy friends like that. Not only will I be emotionally unattatched, but I'll be happier in general because I won't have that initial attatchment to them and think "what's wrong with me if they don't like me?"

Note to self: write a letter to all those who influence me spiritually, my brothers and sisters in christ, and thank them for all they've done. I also have a feeling to wite a letter to my future husband, whoever that may be.

My singleness

I haven't written in the past couple days, but lots of things have been happening.

I told Kim that I was okay with the whole "her and Ryan" situation, then I found out later that I still wasn't okay with it. I told her it was fine because I didn't want her to feel like she couldn't be herself around me. With her lst boyfriend she'd occasionally keep me up to date on how they were doing and cute stuff he did for her. I wanted to keep that friendship and that closeness with her. I live with her now and it would be unbarable if I made anything awkward between us because of my human feelings. I talked to Amanda Burhman about what I was going through and she helped a lot. She didn't tell me anything I didn't already know, it just felt good to confide in someone else for a change than Alex or Nicole. Amanda made me feel like my feelings were normal and it wasn't just me. I really love that girl.

Things are okay between me and Ryan too. We're not as close as we were obviously. I've backed off and he seems forgetful as always, moreso than usual, probably because of Kim. I haven't been over there since the night they made me cry, on accident of course. I don't hold them responsible for it. I just don't want to put myself in that situation where I might get hurt again. And I'm sure I would get hurt again if I went over there. It's too much too soon. I just need some time away from the two of them together. It's really a God-thing that Kim isn't here this weekend so I don't have to see the two of them together at church. This way I have more time to get over myself.

Last night I sinned bad. I think it was because of all the added emotional stress that I subconsciously thought this sin would make me feel a lot better and take this stress away.I thought I had control over this sin, and last night it took over me again. I sometimes think what is wrong with me for slipping AGAIN! I prayed hard last night and prayed hard this morning and cracked open my Bible the first time in a long time. It helped a lot, I looked up verses on backslidding and forgiveness and I prayed until I felt better. I knew God had forgiven me even if I didn't feel like it at the time because I was consumed with guilt.

I started reading a book called "I kissed dating goodbye" It really did help me a lot, but I'm not into those types of books. I read about the first 50 or 60 pages before I went back to the college years. I get a lot more out of a novel than a 'lecture book.'

I'm asking God to please help me keep my pure heart and mind and to honestly get over my left over feelings I have toward Ryan. I can't see the big picture, but I know God has a plan for me, bigger and better than I can ever imagine. But for right now, his plan for me is singleness. I can find plenty of joy in singleness and I'm happy to search, enjoy, and be a servant to him in this stage of my life right now. Please God show me your will through my singleness. What can I do to serve you through singleness?

Jealousy

These are the quotes from the book I was talking about in my previous blog. These SO apply to my life right now and is such a God-thing that I was reading this at the exact same time I was going through this. (I'm Katie if you couldn't tell)

Jealousy

"Katie, do you want to talk some more about what you were saying before that guy came and interrupted us?”
“I don’t know. Sometimes I make too big of a thing out of nothing. We can drop it. It doesn’t matter.”
“I think it matters because it’s been bothering you, and if you stuff it away, it might come back and bother you again before the trip is over. I’d like to talk it through now, if we could.”
“It’s dumb. I know it is. I get my eyes off the Lord and my perspective goes crazy. I told you guys I was jealous, and I am. But I know that’s wrong. I know God says we’re not supposed to envy what someone else has. The thing is, I don’t know what to do with my feelings. I try to ignore them, but then they overwhelm me.”
“Pray,” Todd suggested immediately.
Katie sighed and looked down at her half-empty cup of coffee. “Yeah, pray. That’s what I should do. I don’t know why I don’t. I get tired of confessing the same thing over and over. But whenever I do talk it through with God, I always feel better.”
“And he always forgives us no matter how many times we come to Him,” Todd said. “I think it helps to find out what triggers those weak areas, and recognize the warning signs before you get blindsided.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, what triggers the jealousy?”
Katie paused a moment before saying, “I see somebody with something I wish I had, and I start to compare myself. Then I get jealous.”
“We all do that,” Christy said.
“That doesn’t make it right,” Katie said.
“I know,” Christy agreed.
“One thing that helps me is when I see the cycle beginning I can almost stop the sin in midair before it hits me,” Todd said. “Like the comparing part. I memorized a couple of verses that relate. Whenever I start to compare myself with somebody else, I repeat those verses and get my heart back on track with God.”
“Then you better teach me those verses, quick!” Katie said, “Because I have a horrible problem of comparing myself with other people.”
“One is real short. It’s in Isaiah 45:9. It just says, ‘Does the clay say to the potter, “What are you making?” ‘ The other verses are in the same book, Isaiah, in chapter 64, verses 6 and 8. The first time I read this it put me in my place, if you know what I mean.”
“Yes I think I probably know what you mean,” Katie said. “What are the verses?”
“‘All of us have become like one who is unclean, and all our righteous acts are like filthy rags; we all shrivel up like a leaf, and like the wind our sins sweep us away. Yet, O Lord, you are our Father. We are the clay, you are the potter; we are all the work of your hand.’ “
“Let me see if I caught the same meaning here that you did,” Katie said. “When you start to compare yourself with someone else, you think of those verses and how all of us are basically the same before God. Like the clay.”
Christy jumped in and said, “And God is the artist. The craftsman. He’s making something out of us, the clay. We’re not supposed to say to Him, ‘Why did you make me like this?’ or ‘Why can’t you make me like her?’ “
Todd nodded. “Exactly. Each person’s life is a different work of art. God’s design for me is different than what He has planned for you.”
“Does that really work for you?” Katie asked.
He nodded again. “I find it hard to be jealous when I realize God is the one in control, not me. If He chooses to bless someone more than me, who am I to tell Him what He’s doing isn’t fair? Do I ever say it’s not fair when someone is going through a tough time? Do I tell God it’s not fair because He hasn’t given me as many difficulties as the other person?”
“You better write those verses down for me, Todd. This is a huge area in my life. I think I have it figured out, and then it comes back stronger.”
Until Tomorrow -Pg 153-155
__________________________________________________________________________
“Once again,” Katie said, “I, your ever faithful friend, stand by and watch guys drool over you while I mysteriously become invisible.”
“Like you were really interested in that guy, Katie,” Christy tried to take a sip of her tea, but it was too hot.
“I would have gone to the dance club with him,” Katie said.
“Yeah right,” Christy said.
“I think guys like that are intrigued by you because you get all shy around them. And it’s not an act. I know that. You start blushing, pull back, and look away. It’s all very natural for you. I think they see it as a challenge and try to get you to open up. I, on the other hand, am an open book. And obviously not a bestseller.”
“Katie, you’re perfect just the way you are. One day a guy will come into your life who will be so stunned that you are you. He’ll also be glad you didn’t go to dance clubs with guys in leather jackets named after cold green rocks.”
Katie smiled. “You better keep reminding me of that, Chris. The longer I wait for my handsome prince, the better those green rock-heads look to me.”
Until Tomorrow –Pg 186-187

I'm everyones buddy and nobody's hunny

Here's my story. My roommate found a wonderful church on campus for us to go to. I absolutely love it. So much so that I wanted to get involved more. So I filled out one of those cards about house churches and someone got back to me. My schedule is already pretty full so I went to one on Wednesday night even though I had a TON of homework to get done. So I went with my friend Nicole and it was supposed to be a type of Bible Study. I thought that was cool, but they didn't actually do anything that night since it was the first night back. We introduced ourselves and talked about LT (leadership training).

After house church I talked to this guy who was there about Guitar Hero. Keep in mind that I JUST met him. He said we should get together and play sometime. I said sure because I didn't really think it was going to happen. Later Nicole told me that she thought he was interested in me. I blushed and denied it of course. It's been more than 2 years since my last relationship. What do I know about guys? I have to admit it kind of made me feel good about myself though. To think of the possibility of someone being interested in me was flattering. I had recently lost some weight and finally felt pretty again. Outside I denied it, but inside I really was happy. The same night he added me as a facebook friend and a few days later had my phone number and was making plans for me to come over. I was really scared to go over to a strangers house I barely even knew to play guitar hero, but I ended up going anyway and had a good time with him and his roommates.

So we kept in touch and I went over to his house a couple more times for movie night. I ended up quitting house church because my schedule was too busy, so the only time I saw Ryan was when I was at his house or when we saw each other at church. If there's one thing I learned quickly about Ryan is that he is a social nerd. That was my excuse I told everyone why I didn't like him, that I'm pretty sure he acted that way around his other girl friends. He didn't treat me any differently.

Then he finally met my rommate and friends at church: Kim, Alex, Nicole and Aaron. He said we should all come over and play smash brothers sometime. Kim knew what it was, but I didn't. She said it was good and that's all that mattered. Besides, now I'd finally have someone to go over to Ryan's house with which I was excited about. Kim and Ryan became friends on facebook and he got her number too. I was kind of jealous that their friendship seemed to be moving so much faster than mine had with Ryan. I just pushed it aside really and thought it must have been because they both have a mutual friend (ME!) So the night we went over we weren't playing Smash Brothers. Instead, we watched Across the Universe. I felt more comfortable at Ryan's house with Kim and was able to be more myself, hoping Ryan would like seeing the real me. But he didn't have time. Me Ryan and Kim were on a couch with Kim in the middle. During the whole movie I noticed he kept looking over at her and tickling her. It wasn't that hard to see really. She freaked everytime he touched her. That's when I was hit with a buttload of jealously toward them because they were totally flirting. There was 10 other people in the room, but it just seemed to be the two of them. I could tell he liked her. Inside it crushed me. Outside I teased her about it, and she denied it just the same as I had.

The next day I was reading a book and one of the characters was feeling exactly what I was feeling! It was such a god-thing to hear it through someone elses words. She said she was jealous because she really wanted a boyfriend and it hurt her to see her two best friends together even though she didn't like Todd. There was still that jealousy that her friend has something special she doesn't. I felt that way toward Kim. She's so pretty and ALWAYS has a boyfriend. She said she was giving it a rest, but here it is February after she broke up with her old boyfriend in January and she's already interested in someone else. Not to mention someone that I was interested in. It made me mad. Why does she get all the boyfriends? I feel like I'm a stronger Christian, why does she get all these guys fawning over her? What's wrong with me that I don't have that? The characters in the book gave her some verses to look up about comparing God to a potter and us to clay. The clay doesn't say to the potter "What are you doing?" He has a special plan for me, a different plan than He has for Kim, and I that's why I shouldn't compare myself to her. I wasn't created to live her life, I was created to live my own. I shared that with Nicole and Kim because it made me feel so much better. (And yes, Kim knew I was jealous of her earlier, but what is she gunna do about it?)

That night he invited us over again. Nobody else except kim me and his roommate to play smash brothers and watch another movie. They sat close on the couch again and once the movie started, he started tickling her again. It was very uncomfortable for me so I went to the other couch much to the dislike of everyone else. It was hurting me so much to see them like that. Besides, the other couch was more comfortable. After much beckoning I finally came back to the couch. He still tickled her, and I heard him whispering to her and saw him put his arm on her leg. Apparently (I heard from kim later) Ryan kept pulling her arm through his under the blanket and pulled her back right before we left hoping for a kiss or something. Good thing I didn't see it. I was already consumed with jealousy it was literally making my stomach turn. I kept repeating "You are the potter, I am the clay" to myself and prayed very hard for God to give me peace about it. I felt better for a while, but the more it went on, the harder it got to the point that when I got back to the dorm I excused myself to the bathroom so I could cry.

On the way back he invited us over AGAIN the next night for some really nerdy things. I said I'd let him know. When I got back Kim told me all these things I didn't know. She told me he was telling her what beautiful eyes she had and kept looking at her during the movie. She wasn't exactly pushing him away either. When I asked her what she thought of him she said she was interested but wants to get to know him more. And there is always that thing about her parents. They aren't going to be happy to hear their 18 year old is interested in a 22 year old.

I couldn't take it anymore. I took my computer and ran to the Lounge where I have been sitting for the past hour writing this. The reason why it's taken me so long is because it accidently signed me into MSN where I quickly hit the *appear offline* button because both kim and ryan were on. Kim messaged me even though I didn't appear on her list anymore. I knew I couldn't ignore her. She asked if I was okay, I told her yes but I didn't want to talk about it right now. Then Ryan messaged me. I know Kim must have said something to him because he threatened to call me and sing the police song to me. So I answered. He was worried too. I told him we were still friends and I wasn't angry at him, I just didn't want to talk about why I'm upset. I mean, come on, I'm not really going to tell a guy who likes my roommate that I used to like him and I'm so jealous that he can't notice me. That would be a little dramatic. Even though I didn't want to, we talked about movies, and actually still are talking about movies. He invited me over again tomorrow, but I told him I just didn't feel like it for reasons I can't explain.

Please pray for me. I am really struggling with this. No I'm not mad at Kim, even though I am extremely jealous that she has something that I really wanted. I need a hug and prayer. It's so hard to let go of Ryan because he wants to still be friends. I understand that, but it's easier for me to just disconnect with him completely, but he won't let that happen. This is going to be very difficult for me. It shouldn't be, because I had already come to the realization earlier that Ryan is not the man God has waiting for me. Still, I want the relationship, I want the closeness. I suppose it'll make it that much more special when I do meet that special someone, God's gift to me. So here I am, letting God mold me the way he wants. Well, maybe not the most willingly though. I need all the help I can get. Please.