Awkward

Why am I so awkward?



That is the question on my mind today. Especially with guys. Some call me shy, I call me awkward. I'm just really socially awkward with them, and I'm not sure why. Maybe self-esteem issues? But I don't feel that much awkwardness around girls. Do they just understand me better than guys?

Then I started to think about my dating life...or lack there-of. I started to think of old boyfriends and crushes. *sigh* Most of them online friends. Why am I so different online? Is it because I know they can't see what I look like and don't give them a chance to turn me down? Probably. My friend Nicole and Charly are so good with guys. They have lots of guy friends and they just seem to get along great with them even though they might not agree on some stuff. I wish I could interact like them, but they seriously seem like another species to me. I don't know how to act! Or should I act? I don't know...I just want a guy to like me for me, is that so much to ask?

This weekend me and my friend martha and her boyfriend went to the zoo together. It was fun. Even though I had Gabby, I couldn't help but kinda feel like a third wheel, and I know I wasn't it's just...UGH! I don't know, just made me feel all sorts of irrational feelings. I was jealous of what they had and I want that so badly and I hate having to sit there and watch it.

And then Hitch was on tonight. Just great. I wanted to spend time with my dad and that's what he was watching so I had to endure that movie. Movies like that just make me long for a relationship more and I think that's my biggest problem. If I keep imagining what that relationshipo will be like, when it finally comes around, I'm afraid it won't meet up to my expectations if I set them too high, but I don't want a dead-end relationship either.

I'm just giving too much thought on this. I wish I could just stop comparing myself to movies or my friends and just be me...whoever that really is.