I'm everyones buddy and nobody's hunny

Here's my story. My roommate found a wonderful church on campus for us to go to. I absolutely love it. So much so that I wanted to get involved more. So I filled out one of those cards about house churches and someone got back to me. My schedule is already pretty full so I went to one on Wednesday night even though I had a TON of homework to get done. So I went with my friend Nicole and it was supposed to be a type of Bible Study. I thought that was cool, but they didn't actually do anything that night since it was the first night back. We introduced ourselves and talked about LT (leadership training).

After house church I talked to this guy who was there about Guitar Hero. Keep in mind that I JUST met him. He said we should get together and play sometime. I said sure because I didn't really think it was going to happen. Later Nicole told me that she thought he was interested in me. I blushed and denied it of course. It's been more than 2 years since my last relationship. What do I know about guys? I have to admit it kind of made me feel good about myself though. To think of the possibility of someone being interested in me was flattering. I had recently lost some weight and finally felt pretty again. Outside I denied it, but inside I really was happy. The same night he added me as a facebook friend and a few days later had my phone number and was making plans for me to come over. I was really scared to go over to a strangers house I barely even knew to play guitar hero, but I ended up going anyway and had a good time with him and his roommates.

So we kept in touch and I went over to his house a couple more times for movie night. I ended up quitting house church because my schedule was too busy, so the only time I saw Ryan was when I was at his house or when we saw each other at church. If there's one thing I learned quickly about Ryan is that he is a social nerd. That was my excuse I told everyone why I didn't like him, that I'm pretty sure he acted that way around his other girl friends. He didn't treat me any differently.

Then he finally met my rommate and friends at church: Kim, Alex, Nicole and Aaron. He said we should all come over and play smash brothers sometime. Kim knew what it was, but I didn't. She said it was good and that's all that mattered. Besides, now I'd finally have someone to go over to Ryan's house with which I was excited about. Kim and Ryan became friends on facebook and he got her number too. I was kind of jealous that their friendship seemed to be moving so much faster than mine had with Ryan. I just pushed it aside really and thought it must have been because they both have a mutual friend (ME!) So the night we went over we weren't playing Smash Brothers. Instead, we watched Across the Universe. I felt more comfortable at Ryan's house with Kim and was able to be more myself, hoping Ryan would like seeing the real me. But he didn't have time. Me Ryan and Kim were on a couch with Kim in the middle. During the whole movie I noticed he kept looking over at her and tickling her. It wasn't that hard to see really. She freaked everytime he touched her. That's when I was hit with a buttload of jealously toward them because they were totally flirting. There was 10 other people in the room, but it just seemed to be the two of them. I could tell he liked her. Inside it crushed me. Outside I teased her about it, and she denied it just the same as I had.

The next day I was reading a book and one of the characters was feeling exactly what I was feeling! It was such a god-thing to hear it through someone elses words. She said she was jealous because she really wanted a boyfriend and it hurt her to see her two best friends together even though she didn't like Todd. There was still that jealousy that her friend has something special she doesn't. I felt that way toward Kim. She's so pretty and ALWAYS has a boyfriend. She said she was giving it a rest, but here it is February after she broke up with her old boyfriend in January and she's already interested in someone else. Not to mention someone that I was interested in. It made me mad. Why does she get all the boyfriends? I feel like I'm a stronger Christian, why does she get all these guys fawning over her? What's wrong with me that I don't have that? The characters in the book gave her some verses to look up about comparing God to a potter and us to clay. The clay doesn't say to the potter "What are you doing?" He has a special plan for me, a different plan than He has for Kim, and I that's why I shouldn't compare myself to her. I wasn't created to live her life, I was created to live my own. I shared that with Nicole and Kim because it made me feel so much better. (And yes, Kim knew I was jealous of her earlier, but what is she gunna do about it?)

That night he invited us over again. Nobody else except kim me and his roommate to play smash brothers and watch another movie. They sat close on the couch again and once the movie started, he started tickling her again. It was very uncomfortable for me so I went to the other couch much to the dislike of everyone else. It was hurting me so much to see them like that. Besides, the other couch was more comfortable. After much beckoning I finally came back to the couch. He still tickled her, and I heard him whispering to her and saw him put his arm on her leg. Apparently (I heard from kim later) Ryan kept pulling her arm through his under the blanket and pulled her back right before we left hoping for a kiss or something. Good thing I didn't see it. I was already consumed with jealousy it was literally making my stomach turn. I kept repeating "You are the potter, I am the clay" to myself and prayed very hard for God to give me peace about it. I felt better for a while, but the more it went on, the harder it got to the point that when I got back to the dorm I excused myself to the bathroom so I could cry.

On the way back he invited us over AGAIN the next night for some really nerdy things. I said I'd let him know. When I got back Kim told me all these things I didn't know. She told me he was telling her what beautiful eyes she had and kept looking at her during the movie. She wasn't exactly pushing him away either. When I asked her what she thought of him she said she was interested but wants to get to know him more. And there is always that thing about her parents. They aren't going to be happy to hear their 18 year old is interested in a 22 year old.

I couldn't take it anymore. I took my computer and ran to the Lounge where I have been sitting for the past hour writing this. The reason why it's taken me so long is because it accidently signed me into MSN where I quickly hit the *appear offline* button because both kim and ryan were on. Kim messaged me even though I didn't appear on her list anymore. I knew I couldn't ignore her. She asked if I was okay, I told her yes but I didn't want to talk about it right now. Then Ryan messaged me. I know Kim must have said something to him because he threatened to call me and sing the police song to me. So I answered. He was worried too. I told him we were still friends and I wasn't angry at him, I just didn't want to talk about why I'm upset. I mean, come on, I'm not really going to tell a guy who likes my roommate that I used to like him and I'm so jealous that he can't notice me. That would be a little dramatic. Even though I didn't want to, we talked about movies, and actually still are talking about movies. He invited me over again tomorrow, but I told him I just didn't feel like it for reasons I can't explain.

Please pray for me. I am really struggling with this. No I'm not mad at Kim, even though I am extremely jealous that she has something that I really wanted. I need a hug and prayer. It's so hard to let go of Ryan because he wants to still be friends. I understand that, but it's easier for me to just disconnect with him completely, but he won't let that happen. This is going to be very difficult for me. It shouldn't be, because I had already come to the realization earlier that Ryan is not the man God has waiting for me. Still, I want the relationship, I want the closeness. I suppose it'll make it that much more special when I do meet that special someone, God's gift to me. So here I am, letting God mold me the way he wants. Well, maybe not the most willingly though. I need all the help I can get. Please.