So I'm sitting in the study lounge with Kim, Alex, Amanda C., and her boyfriend. I've been through a lot this week and needed to write down some things.

My Great Grandma passed away last Thursday. I knew she was going to go soon and to be honest I wasn't really that upset by it. I cried though bc she doesn't remember me. Last time I went over there, my mom had to reintroduce me to my grandma again. That hurt me a lot at the time, so I haven't seen her since then. My Dad's mom is showing early signs of Alzheimer's Disease and I'm scared that she won't remember me either. She is so much closer to me than my other grandmas. I think Cookie Grandma's death really made me realize how precious the time is with my remaining two grandmas. They're all I have left.

Then everything seemed to happen at once in school. Midterms, tests, projects. I'm so stressed about everything! But I went to Late Nite with my friends anyway on Saturday. I'm not complaining, I had a really good time, but in the back of my head I know how much stuff I have to get done. Then after Late Nite I was invited by Kim to come to Ryan's with her. I was hesitant. I really liked Ryan and so I'm still trying to get used to the fact that he doesn't like me. My overbearing jealousy that guys "flock to her" is what I call it. Why is it that they flock to her? What's wrong with me? Those are questions that have been plauging me for a while. I try to look nice, be friendly to everyone. I've been so obsessed at what Kim has I'm losing my focus on what God has for me. He doesn't need two Kims. He needs a Kim and a Roxanne. I just need to be me, who God wants me to be. He created me to be uniquely me and that's all I can ask for and should be satisfied with it. But I'm not. I struggle with it everyday, trying to be my own person and liking who God made me. I just think Kim's life would be so much easier than mine. It's probably not, but that's how I feel.

I got a little off topic there. Anyway, Kim asked me to come over to Ryans and I said I don't know as I have the past 5 times she's invited me over there. I was still trying to work through my feelings. I asked her if she wanted me to come and got really offended that I thought it was up to her if I came. She said Ryan invited me it shouldn't matter what she thinks. I was quiet bc I didn't want to say something I'd regret later. But she just kept going saying how that she is so sick everytime she brings up Ryan I get defensive and emotional. That maybe so, but I told her the only reason I asked was bc I wanted to know if she wanted time alone with Ryan or not and if I was going to be in the way, that's the only reason I asked. Then she said "Oh I didn't take it that way." And I said "I know" We never really resolved that but I decided I was going to have a good time there anyway, and I did. We played scattagories, which was fun, and whenever he would touch her I would just look away and talk to some of the other guys.

I don't know why it still bothers me. If I looked at my guy friends as brothers in Christ instead of possible dating opportunities I think things would be a lot better. That's what I need to start doing. It's hard. But it's like when Nicole looks at a guy and goes "aw he's cute" I think 'Why are you so focused on their looks? They're probably jerks' The only reason I say that is because she says it all the time about almost all the guys I know. I'm getting better at that. Last night when I met someone at Late Nite, I thought "I wonder if he knows Christ" And the next day I see him at church. Was that a God thing or what? I need to treat more of my guy friends like that. Not only will I be emotionally unattatched, but I'll be happier in general because I won't have that initial attatchment to them and think "what's wrong with me if they don't like me?"

Note to self: write a letter to all those who influence me spiritually, my brothers and sisters in christ, and thank them for all they've done. I also have a feeling to wite a letter to my future husband, whoever that may be.