My singleness

I haven't written in the past couple days, but lots of things have been happening.

I told Kim that I was okay with the whole "her and Ryan" situation, then I found out later that I still wasn't okay with it. I told her it was fine because I didn't want her to feel like she couldn't be herself around me. With her lst boyfriend she'd occasionally keep me up to date on how they were doing and cute stuff he did for her. I wanted to keep that friendship and that closeness with her. I live with her now and it would be unbarable if I made anything awkward between us because of my human feelings. I talked to Amanda Burhman about what I was going through and she helped a lot. She didn't tell me anything I didn't already know, it just felt good to confide in someone else for a change than Alex or Nicole. Amanda made me feel like my feelings were normal and it wasn't just me. I really love that girl.

Things are okay between me and Ryan too. We're not as close as we were obviously. I've backed off and he seems forgetful as always, moreso than usual, probably because of Kim. I haven't been over there since the night they made me cry, on accident of course. I don't hold them responsible for it. I just don't want to put myself in that situation where I might get hurt again. And I'm sure I would get hurt again if I went over there. It's too much too soon. I just need some time away from the two of them together. It's really a God-thing that Kim isn't here this weekend so I don't have to see the two of them together at church. This way I have more time to get over myself.

Last night I sinned bad. I think it was because of all the added emotional stress that I subconsciously thought this sin would make me feel a lot better and take this stress away.I thought I had control over this sin, and last night it took over me again. I sometimes think what is wrong with me for slipping AGAIN! I prayed hard last night and prayed hard this morning and cracked open my Bible the first time in a long time. It helped a lot, I looked up verses on backslidding and forgiveness and I prayed until I felt better. I knew God had forgiven me even if I didn't feel like it at the time because I was consumed with guilt.

I started reading a book called "I kissed dating goodbye" It really did help me a lot, but I'm not into those types of books. I read about the first 50 or 60 pages before I went back to the college years. I get a lot more out of a novel than a 'lecture book.'

I'm asking God to please help me keep my pure heart and mind and to honestly get over my left over feelings I have toward Ryan. I can't see the big picture, but I know God has a plan for me, bigger and better than I can ever imagine. But for right now, his plan for me is singleness. I can find plenty of joy in singleness and I'm happy to search, enjoy, and be a servant to him in this stage of my life right now. Please God show me your will through my singleness. What can I do to serve you through singleness?